A dear friend and family member of mine very recently blogged about her own struggle, one with which I am very familiar: porn. I've posted before on the topic, and if you've read it, you'll know it's no secret that porn is a pitfall of mine as well. So instead of me blabbing on and on as usual, here is a repost from her blog, Simplicities of a Writer. Let her testimony speak for itself.
Confessions of a Christian Addict
So, as you can all see I have stopped writing the eighty day journal prompts. While they were fun, a more important matter has been pressing on me for quite sometime...
It's time for me to come clean, dear readers. I am a Christian female, and I am a porn addict.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Christian and porn addict seem like two things that shouldn't belong in the same sentence together, and yet it's surprising how often they are.
You might have also noticed that I said I am female. That, coupled with the fact that I am a Christian porn addict puts me in a small category of people that is rapidly growing in size.
Many of you might already know this but most, if not all, females who struggle with pornography struggle not because of a physical need, but because of an emotional need. Yes, it is true that physical pleasure is coupled with it, but emotional need is the top priority.
We females are emotional beings. Not only are we emotional, but we like to be accepted. Whether we want to admit it or not, we females are not big fans of rejection. I know I'm not.
This is why pornography is so appealing. It makes us think that we can be accepted by society by offering our bodies to them. And society will take it, as long as we give them what we want.
I told a good family friend of mine about my addiction to pornography, and she asked me "Are you lonely?"
I told her no. In fact I was adamant about it.
If any of you recall, in one of my previous post I stated that loneliness is my greatest fear. I have experienced loneliness before and it was the worst experience I have ever had to deal with to this day. I made a promise to myself to never go through that again.
You can understand now why I was so adamant in saying "no, I'm not lonely." I didn't want to experience that awful feeling again.
The truth is, I was lonely. After years of avoiding loneliness and keeping it at bay it comes at me with surprise and force. My greatest fear was back, and it frightened me.
I was not lonely because of lack of acceptance from family or friends. They all know about my weird quirks and oddities and they love me just the same. I was lonely because of one sole reason... For twenty years I have never experienced what it's like to share companionship with that one special someone.
This brings me back to my conversation with my friend. She didn't believe me when i told her I wasn't lonely. Which is understandable because I was blubbering like an idiot and my tear ducts had become temporary waterfalls. She told me, "You might not be lonely because of lack of acceptance from family or friends, but because you are at that time in your life where you want to experience companionship with that special someone. You are filling that empty hole with porn."
It surprised me how true this was. I wanted a special relationship with someone. I was craving for companionship with that one special person. I was lonely.
If loneliness is my biggest fear, then I would have to say rejection is a close second. I wanted to be accepted by someone. I wanted someone to love me. But then that got me thinking, "What if he finds out about my addiction? Will he care? Would he be offended? I offend myself. How can he accept me? What man in his right mind would accept and love a porn addict?"
There is someone out there. Do you want to know who he is?
God.
God loves me and accepts me, a struggling porn addict.
Today I just finished reading a book called Love Done Right: Devos by Jessica Harris. It is a book for women who are struggling with pornography written by someone who is struggling with pornography. I read the book in two days and it taught me more than I could have ever hoped for.
At the very front of the book it gives you a letter as if it is written by God himself. Which, I'm sure it was and God just told Jessica Harris to write it down. The end of the letter said this:
"I know. I know that you are broken. I know that you have failed. I know that you feel like you have failed your family, your friends, your church--even Me. Please, dear one, please know that you have never fallen too far for Me. No man, or woman, has ever found a cave that I could not reach. No man, or woman, has ever been so lost that I have been unable to find him or her. No, dear one, I have been waiting for you, long before you ever tried to find a way out. I have been here. I have been waiting. I can free you because I am freedom. I love you because I am love. You have hope because I am God."
Can't you imagine my excitement? God loves and accepts all of me. Not just the good parts, but the bad parts as well.
God's love accepts me.
God's love for me is deep.
God's love protects me.
God's love endures for me.
God's love provides for me.
God's love nurtures me.
God's love nourishes me
God's love will satisfy me.
God's love is overwhelming.
God's love will heal me.
God's love will free me.
God's love is unconditional for me.
He made the ultimate sacrifice...because me loves me.
What more could I ask for? God's love is all I need. With the love of God I no longer have to face the fears of being lonely. With the love of God I no longer have to face the fears of being rejected.
Overcoming my addiction might take months, perhaps even years, but there is one thing I know for certain. If and when I fall (I am human) God will not toss me down and scoff at my failure. He will catch me and say "It's ok, I will hold on tight to you. You are safe, here in my arms."
Quote of the day: "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be temptedbeyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it" ~ 1Corinthians 10:13
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